The biggest change I have noticed over the last two months (since Madi joined us and we began the transition back into school and work) is how I feel I am always being pulled from one activity to the next. I almost dread waking up because I know that once the day starts it will not stop until 11 at night, and that's only if I make it. Interruptions are frequent. The "to do" list is lengthy, and as soon as I cross something off, three more somethings are added. I am feeling overwhelmed, incapable, falling short in every aspect of mothering (did I mention that Grayson is going through a challenging toddler phase, Brooklyn and I are adjusting to our new teacher/student relationship, and Madi and I have thrush, so I don't even have my sweet nursing breaks right now, just painful breasts that have to be pumped, which I hate doing, and the added guilt and disappointment that I can't nurture my baby the way I am supposed to, and Ray's hours are so erratic and always changing so I can never count on him to be around when I need him.) So my feelings are very much out of control. With very disciplined planning and organization I feel I can survive. I realize this is one phase of life and it will not always be like this. Transition is still happening and we will find our rhythm. I'm not good at the planning, but I'm getting better at looking ahead, anticipating what we will need and preparing for it ahead of time (getting better, but not there yet as yesterday proved).
On a drive home from community group two Sundays ago as my feelings started bubbling to the surface, I heard (by coincidence) three songs: How He Loves, I Have to Believe, and Furious. Three songs dealing with the intensity of God's feeling for us and that my relationship with him is so much more than feeling. I noted it with interest, but didn't understand the significance of what God was saying to me. Later I sat in on Brooklyn's Cornerstone class and listened as God reminded me that I am trying to do too much myself. Then in my morning Bible study on Tuesday, I read Matthew 26:31-35 (Jesus predicts Peter's denial) I was struck by how hurt Jesus must have felt, trying to tell his disciples something important and having to deal with Peter's upcoming betrayal instead.
As I've marinated on these things and experienced all the ups and downs and ins and outs of my own rampant feelings, I've come to realize that I do not need or want to be ruled by my emotions. But that doesn't mean they are not valid. I can take them to the One who created them, who experiences them more deeply than I ever will. When I take the time to start my day with Him, life still happens at a ridiculously fast pace. I am still pulled in a million directions, Grayson is still Grayson, Madi still needs to be fed, Brooklyn still needs me to teach and mother, but there is more inner peace. It's not magic like I had hoped it would be. Lately I don't feel very good about myself or my choices or what's going on with my children. But if I continue in obedience, take my feelings to the Lord and love my family with my actions, my feelings will eventually catch up.
*P.S. It has taken me more than 2 hours to type this because of all the interruptions!
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