Last Monday night I had to do a terrible thing to Brooklyn. It's so terrible, both Brooklyn and I avoid it for as long as we possibly can. I had to cut her finger and toe nails.
I don't like cutting nails ever, under any circumstances, but Brooklyn loathes it entirely! She is terrified that I'm going to cut her finger off or hurt somehow. She used to have to be held down so she couldn't jerk away. Now that she's older she has a bit more self-control, but she still whimpers and whines throughout the whole procedure. Miserable!
I have never cut her too deep. I am extremely careful and gentle with her. She has never experienced even the slightest pain with my behind the clippers. I finally said to her one day, "Brooklyn, I have never hurt you! Don't you trust me?" She said, crying, "No!"
Well, last night, she managed to keep her hands still but talked the entire time about how she was nervous and kept squinting her eyes, just in case. It made me think about an issue I have been struggling with the last few weeks, and how when I'm really honest with myself and boil all my feelings down, I don't trust God.
I have every reason to trust him. He has never abandoned me in spite of my unfaithfulness, and he has proved on at least 3 occasions that his plan and timing are much better than mine. So why don't I trust him? What is it about this issue that I can't let go of?
I don't want 20 kids. I'm 100% content with the three we have. But if God does have more kids for us, isn't that a wonderful blessing? Isn't that a great way to give him glory? To say the world that we are doing things God's way - look how his hand is on us? Don't I believe that he knows the desires of my heart, what I am capable of as a mother and wife, and what my body (the one he created) is physically able to handle?
So I sit here, in God's very capable and gentle hands, and I whimper.
I don't like cutting nails ever, under any circumstances, but Brooklyn loathes it entirely! She is terrified that I'm going to cut her finger off or hurt somehow. She used to have to be held down so she couldn't jerk away. Now that she's older she has a bit more self-control, but she still whimpers and whines throughout the whole procedure. Miserable!
I have never cut her too deep. I am extremely careful and gentle with her. She has never experienced even the slightest pain with my behind the clippers. I finally said to her one day, "Brooklyn, I have never hurt you! Don't you trust me?" She said, crying, "No!"
Well, last night, she managed to keep her hands still but talked the entire time about how she was nervous and kept squinting her eyes, just in case. It made me think about an issue I have been struggling with the last few weeks, and how when I'm really honest with myself and boil all my feelings down, I don't trust God.
I have every reason to trust him. He has never abandoned me in spite of my unfaithfulness, and he has proved on at least 3 occasions that his plan and timing are much better than mine. So why don't I trust him? What is it about this issue that I can't let go of?
I don't want 20 kids. I'm 100% content with the three we have. But if God does have more kids for us, isn't that a wonderful blessing? Isn't that a great way to give him glory? To say the world that we are doing things God's way - look how his hand is on us? Don't I believe that he knows the desires of my heart, what I am capable of as a mother and wife, and what my body (the one he created) is physically able to handle?
So I sit here, in God's very capable and gentle hands, and I whimper.
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