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In Which I Feel Great Yet Anxious

I'll admit, I am sort of in awe by my body right now. A week and a half ago I felt so tired. My feet were swollen and my fingers felt like sausages. My tummy was rock hard and stuck out across the room. I had heart burn round the clock and had to pee every five minutes. There was a real breathing, kicking, personality living inside me.  Now, all of that is gone. Completely.  I don't mind. I certainly don't miss the pregnancy symptoms and the little person I have on the outside is well worth going through all of it. But it is a little strange to have lived with my body behaving one way so consistently for so many months, and then, all of a sudden everything feels completely different.

Emotionally I am struggling with some postpartum anxiety.  Not really depression, so much as a general feeling of unease about some things that are coming up. Mostly it's going back to work. Yes, I know I still have six and half weeks, and I really do try to push it out of my mind as often as possible.  It's just tricky, as we make plans for the summer, not having any real idea what kind of environment I will be walking back into. The one I have built up in my head is down right miserable, which may not really be fair. Maybe my self-centered supervisor will be overjoyed to have me back and things will go right back to the way they were. Maybe I will get the raise that I was supposed to get at the beginning of the year. Maybe they will reorganize the department so that my job is better than it was when I left. Maybe I will get to keep Grayson with me and it won't be an issue. Maybe I'll get back to work and something so awful will happen that I will be able to leave with a totally clear conscious. I won't know until I get there and there really is no point in dwelling on it before then. So stop it!!

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